a man and his moofies

saw some movies on the weekend. thoughts as follows:

Final Destination 3
I'll begin by stating for the court that Final Destination 2 is one of my all-time favourite moofies. Final Destination 1 is relatively forgettable, but FD2 is something else. I could go on to explain why, but...maybe another time, for this is about FD3 - a sequel I had been looking forward to for months. I knew it wouldn't be worth the $15 to see it at the cinema, but $2 at VideoBusters - I'm SO there. Was it worth the $2? No, no it wasn't.

Each of the Final Destination films open with a bunch of clumsy exposition (which I love), followed by a disaster-vision, in which our hero foresees a calamity that will kim him/her and a bunch of other people. FD1 is a plane crash, FD2 is a multi-car pile-up, and FD3 is a malfunctioning roller-coaster. The roller-coaster idea has potential. Unfortunately, they fluffed it. As an audience member (or, as Micallef would say, "audient"), you KNOW a disaster is coming, so it's not a case of What If, but rather When. In FD2, the build-up to the accident goes for AGES and, when the accident occurs, it is shown clearly, extremely violently, and with much impact. This is where FD3 failed, because I couldn't tell who was dying or how. You see a guy get ripped in half, for example, but it's all so fast, you don't know who it was or how it happened. No impact, no wincing from me, just blah blah blah. And so, the tone is sadly set for the rest of this movie.

The next part of each of the Final Destination films is a series of bizarre and grizzly deaths as the people who the protaganist saved from the initial disaster are claimed by Death Its-Mother-Fuckn-Self. Once again, the death scenes in FD3 pale in comparison to those in FD2, and even FD1. Once again, it's hard to tell exactly what's happened, all the deaths are over so fast and filmed so poorly. Also - the deaths are too unimaginative. Even the apparently "original" ones - eg. the black guy who smashes his own head open with gym equipment - aren't done well. Especially when compared with the brilliance of the deaths in FD2, such as (a) the lottery winner dude with the ladder through his head, (b) the kid who has something REALLY heavy fall on him from a REALLY great height, (c) the girl who survives the car accident only to have a nasty encounter with an airbag - oooh, that's a good un. These death vignettes from FD2 are original, drawn out and suspenseful as all hell.

In closing - forget Final Destination 3 and it's craparse bonus disc of interactive bullshit. Go to Kmart and drop $8 on Final Destination 2 - it's one of the best films ever made (if one discounts characterisation and rational plot, which are for losers if you ask me).

RATING: 4 out of 10. (compared to Final Destination 2: 10 out of 10).


The Hills Have Eyes UNRATED (rated R18+)
Firstly - what the fuck? It's got UNRATED written on it in scary scary blood-writing and yet - it is rated. Though an R rating is a good place to start for a horror moofie. This one was definitely worth $2.

I gotta tell you - this movie ain't bad. Firstly, the DVD came with previews! I miss previews, so I happily watched them all, though I couldn't name one of them now. Then came the opening sequence - lots of mutated fetuses in jars. Good, good. Then we're into it. This is a remake of a Wes Craven film from the 70s. I'm a big fan of the B-Horror movie and I can tell you this for sure: Wes Craven ain't no genius. I haven't seen the original, nor do I care to. I'm someone who appreciates the recent spate of remade horror movies from the 70s (Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Amityville Horror, another one whose name escapes me - all vastly superior to the originals). And I'm sure this version shits all over the original. This one was directed by some famous foreign guy - he directed something previously - it might have been that preposterous french horror where it turns out the girl was the killer all along which makes NO sense.

ANYWAY - it's a family driving through the desert who get tricked into taking a shortcut and are then hunted and killed by a bunch of mutants. The mutants are that way coz of the nuclear testing that happened there decades previous. Its pretty violent. The patriarch gets ambushed, tied to a cross and set alight. The matriarch gets shot in the guts. Daughter #1 is shot in the head - that was pretty good. And one of their german shepherds gets ripped open and eaten. That's it as far as goodie-deaths go. The remaining family members (emasculated husband of Daughter #1, plus Daughter #2, Son #1, Grand-Daughter baby, second German Shepherd) all survive - just. The best bits are when the emasculated (you can tell he's emasculated coz he's got glasses) dude goes to the mutant's home village and wreaks havoc with a baseball bat, axe and shotgun, to rescue his infant daughter - he gets the absolute bejesus smashed out of him during this escapade and is soaked in blood for the majority of the film.

Unfortunately, it all happens a bit fast, there's something a bit askew with the pacing. The movie's biggest problem, however, is the mutants themselves. I swear to Christ, one of them is a deadset rip-off of the freak from Goonies. In general, they are way too cartoonish to be taken seriously. In terms of fucked-up hill folk, the baddies from Texas Chainsaw Massacre (remake) are much more convincing and scarier. What makes this, and TCM for that matter, stand out from other horror movies though is the lack of comic relief and cheesy one-liners. It takes itself seriously, and I like that. Plus, as I might have mentioned - it's really violent.

RATING: 7.5 out of 10.