is Lezsek I the White, a Polish duke from the 13th Century.
For refusing to allow Polish knights to participate in the Crusades due to the lack of beer in Palestine, I'm proud to nominate Lezsek I as hero of the week.
21.12.06
1.11.06
Shock Docs & Firefox
Fuck me, that rhymes. Ace much?
First off, I downloaded Firefox, so now I can do this and this and this. Naturally, I am ecstatic. Um, how you say...woot?
JESUS! Did anyone see Shock Docs last night? I found out it was going to be on about an hour beforehand, an hour that was then spent in eager anticipation - like a 6-year-old on Christmas Eve I was. That's gotta be the best show on tv, no doubt about it. It's the only show that is literally jaw-dropping. Last night's ep was about "Super Binge-Eating", and featured 3 "Super Morbidly Obese" people, one of whom died before they finished shooting. How cool is the phrase Super Morbidly Obese? I just wish they really did have super powers and were morbid. Turns out they're just REALLY FUCKING FAT. Mate, if you didn't see it, you just wouldn't understand just how fat these people were. Throw in an alarming amount of nudity, and close-ups of nude fat people so you have no way of knowing what body part you're looking at, add some alarmingly frank discussions about how these boombalatties have sex, chuck in some interviews with their freaky freaky spouses and you've got an hour of TV that you cannot turn your eyes from. I watched it so enraptured that afterwards I went out and bought all the products advertised in the breaks. Shock Docs, you've stolen my heart. The woman, Allannah I think it was, was the worst. Fucking chilling, the sight of her belly spilling across the bed like a pool of flesh-coloured molasses - and when they had to roll her over, and when they showed the helpers cleaning inside her deepest darkest places. Jesus. Jesus.
Why can't all TV be this disturbing? I know there's enough material out there.
One of them pie-hiders proposed to his wife by ordering a pizza with "I love you" written on it in pepperoni, and sending it to her at work for lunch (while he stayed at home, unable to stand up as he was). That's gold, Jerry, gold!
Another SMO person they mentioned, like the uber-SMO, get this - was SO fat, and spent SO long stuck on her couch unable to move, that SHE FUSED WITH THE COUCH. The paramedics could not get her off the couch, as her skin and the couch were now all part of the same thing. They took the couch-woman to hospital, where it died. When they moved the couchwoman (with a forklift, after knocking down the wall of the house), all that was left behind was a couch-shaped ring of piss, shit, and junk food wrappers. Awesome.
Just spent a couple of minutes looking for pix of last night's show. HANDY TIP: Don't search for Super Morbidly Obese in Google Images too soon after breakfast.
First off, I downloaded Firefox, so now I can do this and this and this. Naturally, I am ecstatic. Um, how you say...woot?
JESUS! Did anyone see Shock Docs last night? I found out it was going to be on about an hour beforehand, an hour that was then spent in eager anticipation - like a 6-year-old on Christmas Eve I was. That's gotta be the best show on tv, no doubt about it. It's the only show that is literally jaw-dropping. Last night's ep was about "Super Binge-Eating", and featured 3 "Super Morbidly Obese" people, one of whom died before they finished shooting. How cool is the phrase Super Morbidly Obese? I just wish they really did have super powers and were morbid. Turns out they're just REALLY FUCKING FAT. Mate, if you didn't see it, you just wouldn't understand just how fat these people were. Throw in an alarming amount of nudity, and close-ups of nude fat people so you have no way of knowing what body part you're looking at, add some alarmingly frank discussions about how these boombalatties have sex, chuck in some interviews with their freaky freaky spouses and you've got an hour of TV that you cannot turn your eyes from. I watched it so enraptured that afterwards I went out and bought all the products advertised in the breaks. Shock Docs, you've stolen my heart. The woman, Allannah I think it was, was the worst. Fucking chilling, the sight of her belly spilling across the bed like a pool of flesh-coloured molasses - and when they had to roll her over, and when they showed the helpers cleaning inside her deepest darkest places. Jesus. Jesus.
Why can't all TV be this disturbing? I know there's enough material out there.
One of them pie-hiders proposed to his wife by ordering a pizza with "I love you" written on it in pepperoni, and sending it to her at work for lunch (while he stayed at home, unable to stand up as he was). That's gold, Jerry, gold!
Another SMO person they mentioned, like the uber-SMO, get this - was SO fat, and spent SO long stuck on her couch unable to move, that SHE FUSED WITH THE COUCH. The paramedics could not get her off the couch, as her skin and the couch were now all part of the same thing. They took the couch-woman to hospital, where it died. When they moved the couchwoman (with a forklift, after knocking down the wall of the house), all that was left behind was a couch-shaped ring of piss, shit, and junk food wrappers. Awesome.
Just spent a couple of minutes looking for pix of last night's show. HANDY TIP: Don't search for Super Morbidly Obese in Google Images too soon after breakfast.
31.10.06
a man and his moofies
saw another couple of moofies on the weekend. here goes.
1. Shopgirl ("ergh, chick flick" *click* "Gasp! FOOTBALL LEGENDS!")
Firstly, I was surprised to find this one in the comedy section. Any unwitting patron of Videobusters Croydon who hires it in the hope of seeing a wacky Steve Martin laughfest will be disappointed. It's definitely more of a quirky drama. Sure, Jason Schwatzmann provides some moments of humour, but he's not in it as much as Claire and Steve (Danes and Martin, duh). Huge props to Schwartamann for Rushmore, btw. Another reason to hire this film.
OK, well, the disclaimer goes that my beloved is a huge Steve Martin fan (EARLY Steve Martin obviously, things headed south after !Three Amigos!), and as a result, I've read his short stories, and the novella on which this film is based. They're very good - he is a very clever, funny man, despite those awful, awful movies he's been making over the past ten years (Father of the Bride?....families, jesus). Knowing that he had also written the screenplay for the movie, I was curious to see it, because it is by no means a conventional story. It's kinda fucked up really.
I liked the character of Mirabelle (Danes) in the book, but in the film, not so much. However, I liked Jeremy (Schwartzmann) in the film, but not so much in the book. And I don't like Ray (Martin) in either..hehe - Ray Martin. Steve Martin looks WEIRD these days, like he is slowly expanding or something. Face looks all puffy. Utterly unconvincing as a love interest for the 20-something Mirabelle, even though she's meant to be all depressed and lost.
Actually, now that I think about it, this is a really sad movie. There's no way it should be in the comedy section by any stretch of the imagination. Basically it goes that the lovely, kinda messed up and very lonely Mirabelle goes out first with slacker-loser Jeremy, then with rich sugar-daddy Martin, both relationships are fucked up for one reason or another. Then Bruce Willis rescues her from certain machete death at the hands of a savage African tribe. Oh sorry, that was Tears of the Shopgirl.
She ends up back with Jeremy, who, despite being stupid and geeky, is a better choice as he is sincere. That sounds really crap, but it really is a good book.
I was impressed by how closely the film followed the novella, given its unconventional nature. In the past when my favourite books have been made into movies - ew (see LA Confidential, Rules of Attraction, etc). Even when writers convert their own books into films, it rarely works, though Pet Sematery is cool.
I got confused - where was I? Oh yeh. Yeh, look, I don't know. It was OK, but it will be all but forgotten in a week or so.
2. The Last Horror Movie
Okies, well, I hired this one without reading the blurb, mainly coz it was rated R and I needed something to temper Shopgirl with. Even now, as I recall this movie, my head is slowly, involuntarily, shaking "no".
You know those movies that try to be good? Pulp Fiction is one, but that actually has something going for it. This movie just tries SO hard to be original, the whole thing smacks of effort. If you're a film-maker, you shouldn't need to try so hard, originality should just come naturally. Sadly, this is rarely the case.
The gimmick of this one (stolen from the brilliant Danish mockumentary Man Bites God, best video cover ever), is that it starts as a standard horror movie for the first five minutes, then jumps to static and bang - we see a man talking to camera. He tells us how he's taped over the horror movie with his own "intelligent" horror movie. He goes around with a cameraman, killing people and talking shit about the nature of murder, violence, horror movies. His monologues are supposed to raise serious questions about human nature, but unfortunately, such a feat requires an intelligent script-writer.
And so it goes, he kills all these people and tries to confront all our little pre-conceptions blah blah blah, but no-one is hip to what he's trying to say, man. At the end, it turns out that there is only one copy of this film, and he waits at the video-store for someone to hire it. When they do, he follows them home, waits for them to finish watching it, then breaks in, tries to have a frickin' dialogue with them about all the importart issues that were raised in the film, and kills them. This is meant to frighten us, because, gosh, we just hired it!
I wasn't worried that he was going to kill me, though. For starters, the whole thing was set in England - I doubt this movie made enough money for him to afford a flight over. And also - it would have been worth being killed for the chance to let him know what I thought of his pissant movie.
1. Shopgirl ("ergh, chick flick" *click* "Gasp! FOOTBALL LEGENDS!")
Firstly, I was surprised to find this one in the comedy section. Any unwitting patron of Videobusters Croydon who hires it in the hope of seeing a wacky Steve Martin laughfest will be disappointed. It's definitely more of a quirky drama. Sure, Jason Schwatzmann provides some moments of humour, but he's not in it as much as Claire and Steve (Danes and Martin, duh). Huge props to Schwartamann for Rushmore, btw. Another reason to hire this film.
OK, well, the disclaimer goes that my beloved is a huge Steve Martin fan (EARLY Steve Martin obviously, things headed south after !Three Amigos!), and as a result, I've read his short stories, and the novella on which this film is based. They're very good - he is a very clever, funny man, despite those awful, awful movies he's been making over the past ten years (Father of the Bride?....families, jesus). Knowing that he had also written the screenplay for the movie, I was curious to see it, because it is by no means a conventional story. It's kinda fucked up really.
I liked the character of Mirabelle (Danes) in the book, but in the film, not so much. However, I liked Jeremy (Schwartzmann) in the film, but not so much in the book. And I don't like Ray (Martin) in either..hehe - Ray Martin. Steve Martin looks WEIRD these days, like he is slowly expanding or something. Face looks all puffy. Utterly unconvincing as a love interest for the 20-something Mirabelle, even though she's meant to be all depressed and lost.
Actually, now that I think about it, this is a really sad movie. There's no way it should be in the comedy section by any stretch of the imagination. Basically it goes that the lovely, kinda messed up and very lonely Mirabelle goes out first with slacker-loser Jeremy, then with rich sugar-daddy Martin, both relationships are fucked up for one reason or another. Then Bruce Willis rescues her from certain machete death at the hands of a savage African tribe. Oh sorry, that was Tears of the Shopgirl.
She ends up back with Jeremy, who, despite being stupid and geeky, is a better choice as he is sincere. That sounds really crap, but it really is a good book.
I was impressed by how closely the film followed the novella, given its unconventional nature. In the past when my favourite books have been made into movies - ew (see LA Confidential, Rules of Attraction, etc). Even when writers convert their own books into films, it rarely works, though Pet Sematery is cool.
I got confused - where was I? Oh yeh. Yeh, look, I don't know. It was OK, but it will be all but forgotten in a week or so.
2. The Last Horror Movie
Okies, well, I hired this one without reading the blurb, mainly coz it was rated R and I needed something to temper Shopgirl with. Even now, as I recall this movie, my head is slowly, involuntarily, shaking "no".
You know those movies that try to be good? Pulp Fiction is one, but that actually has something going for it. This movie just tries SO hard to be original, the whole thing smacks of effort. If you're a film-maker, you shouldn't need to try so hard, originality should just come naturally. Sadly, this is rarely the case.
The gimmick of this one (stolen from the brilliant Danish mockumentary Man Bites God, best video cover ever), is that it starts as a standard horror movie for the first five minutes, then jumps to static and bang - we see a man talking to camera. He tells us how he's taped over the horror movie with his own "intelligent" horror movie. He goes around with a cameraman, killing people and talking shit about the nature of murder, violence, horror movies. His monologues are supposed to raise serious questions about human nature, but unfortunately, such a feat requires an intelligent script-writer.
And so it goes, he kills all these people and tries to confront all our little pre-conceptions blah blah blah, but no-one is hip to what he's trying to say, man. At the end, it turns out that there is only one copy of this film, and he waits at the video-store for someone to hire it. When they do, he follows them home, waits for them to finish watching it, then breaks in, tries to have a frickin' dialogue with them about all the importart issues that were raised in the film, and kills them. This is meant to frighten us, because, gosh, we just hired it!
I wasn't worried that he was going to kill me, though. For starters, the whole thing was set in England - I doubt this movie made enough money for him to afford a flight over. And also - it would have been worth being killed for the chance to let him know what I thought of his pissant movie.
26.10.06
perfect situation
In today's news comes an interesting lil story (which I can't be bothered linking to, deal).
I have to warn you, it's sad. Sad but true.
Seems a certain Sydney dopefiend mother found her baby floppy and unresponsive, eyes rolled back in his head, blue lips, tongue hanging out. Like any good mother would, she immediately dialed 000. She then put her friend on the phone, who relayed to her CPR instructions from the emergency operator.
Not interesting so far - another tragic tale from junkie-town.
Unfortunately, halfway through the mother decided it was time for a smoke. She stopped CPR and went outside to fag it on up. Turns out smoking really is bad for your kids. Coz the kid died.
So why the title "perfect situation"? Because this would have to be the absolute purest form of junkie-mum behaviour. Not even the most jaded satirist could come up with this shit by him/herself.
Similarly, there was that story a week or so ago about this woman who tried to pay for her wedding dress with her SON. In fact, it wasn't her wedding dress, it was a DEPOSIT for her wedding dress. With her SON. She's in jail too. But that's different - it was in the US. They got a whole different set of (much much lower) standards there.
As you were.
I have to warn you, it's sad. Sad but true.
Seems a certain Sydney dopefiend mother found her baby floppy and unresponsive, eyes rolled back in his head, blue lips, tongue hanging out. Like any good mother would, she immediately dialed 000. She then put her friend on the phone, who relayed to her CPR instructions from the emergency operator.
Not interesting so far - another tragic tale from junkie-town.
Unfortunately, halfway through the mother decided it was time for a smoke. She stopped CPR and went outside to fag it on up. Turns out smoking really is bad for your kids. Coz the kid died.
So why the title "perfect situation"? Because this would have to be the absolute purest form of junkie-mum behaviour. Not even the most jaded satirist could come up with this shit by him/herself.
Similarly, there was that story a week or so ago about this woman who tried to pay for her wedding dress with her SON. In fact, it wasn't her wedding dress, it was a DEPOSIT for her wedding dress. With her SON. She's in jail too. But that's different - it was in the US. They got a whole different set of (much much lower) standards there.
As you were.
25.10.06
pssst
sorry, no updatey, they got me workin'.
although, now House is finished, maybe there'll be time tonight?
although, now House is finished, maybe there'll be time tonight?
17.10.06
tears of the bruce willis fan
Bruce Willis has only just gotten a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame TODAY? WTF?
Die Hard came out, what, 19 years ago?
It was bad enough when he was totally overlooked for an Oscar for his amazing performance in Tears Of The Sun. The best thing about that movie is that it didn't contain any reference to any tears or any suns. I was fully expecting that when all hope appeared to be lost, one of the villagers would tell Bruce a folk tale that involved "tears of the sun". which would inspire Bruce to kill all the baddies. The folk tale would begin "In my village, there is a tale...". It never happened. Tears of the B-movie Appreciating Public might have been a better title.
Tears of the Sun: Cons.
The movie is actually quite sickening. Check out the timeline of events:
1. In reality, almost a million Rwandans are hacked to death with machetes. The rest of the world, forewarned by the UN observers in that country, do exactly fuck-all to stop it.
2. Some years later, Tears of the Sun is released. Its about a group of US soldiers who rescue african villagers from getting hacked to death with machetes. The whole "based on a true story" thing is conspicuously absent from promotional material. Maybe they should have gone with "based on what the US army was morally obliged to do, but didn't coz there's no goddamn oil in Rwanda". Ooh, political.
Tears of the Sun: Pros.
It has Bruce Willis in it. And you know what? If he had reprised the John McClane character for this role, I'd like it even more. And I'd like it even more still if the only explanation offered for why McClane was now serving with the marines in Africa was "for some reason, McClane is now a marine in Africa". I mean, let's face it - who gives a crap about exposition anyway? It's always clumsy and stupid. Replace it all with car chases I reckon.
Oh yeh, and it would have been even better if McClane had jumped off a waterfall, holding an African orphan in his arms, and as they fell, the orphan yelled "McClaaaa-aaa--aaane!", like Sam Jackson in Die Hard 3. That would have been awesome.
Bored? Who, me?
16.10.06
good things
1. i got the new Jarvis Cocker solo album, thanks to Luke. haven't listened to it yet coz my mac doesn't know what a RAR file is. but the simple fact is that it can't be bad. the man can do no wrong (appearances in harry potter films notwithstanding).
2. it's my brothers 30th this weekend, and i'm looking forward to it. i've prepared a little surprise which i think he will greatly enjoy. i won't go into further details because it's a small blogosphere. not that he has internet access. think he's amish or something.
3. i got through the D-day mission on Call of Duty 2 on "hard" mode. the liberation of europe continues. unfortunately, i'm having trouble dealing with a nasty little ambush Jerry set up for me in the next level. Bastards.
2. it's my brothers 30th this weekend, and i'm looking forward to it. i've prepared a little surprise which i think he will greatly enjoy. i won't go into further details because it's a small blogosphere. not that he has internet access. think he's amish or something.
3. i got through the D-day mission on Call of Duty 2 on "hard" mode. the liberation of europe continues. unfortunately, i'm having trouble dealing with a nasty little ambush Jerry set up for me in the next level. Bastards.
11.10.06
doomed zombie love
i've started a new comic called Doomed Zombie Love. Because it's an ongoing soap opera, I wanted the posts to appear in chronological order (oldest to newest) rather than reversed as blogs normally do. so i just put them on a new dedicated blog. Episode 1 is up now. Check it out.
6.10.06
5.10.06
4.10.06
a new hero
This is German director Uwe (pronounced Oo-vay) Boll. He is famous for making movie adaptions of popular video games (BloodRayne, Alone In The Dark etc). These movies are always panned by critics. I haven't seen any of them - though being a regular in the horror section at videobusters, I've been tempted to hire BloodRayne on more than one occasion. And after reading about Uwe's exploits, I DEFINITELY will. Read on.
One day, Uwe got so pissed off with his critics that he extended an invitation to them - to meet him in the boxing ring and sort it out like MEN. Five fame-hungry critics accepted the invitation, on the understanding that it was just a PR stunt - Uwe told them all repeatedly that they didn't need to train or wear any protective gear, it was all for show.
Uwe lied. It was for real. He belted seven shades of shit out of all five of the cunts. One of them required emergency medical treatment.
At the press conference afterwards, Uwe said "I like now the critics."
3.10.06
2.10.06
a man and his moofies
saw some movies on the weekend. thoughts as follows:
Final Destination 3
I'll begin by stating for the court that Final Destination 2 is one of my all-time favourite moofies. Final Destination 1 is relatively forgettable, but FD2 is something else. I could go on to explain why, but...maybe another time, for this is about FD3 - a sequel I had been looking forward to for months. I knew it wouldn't be worth the $15 to see it at the cinema, but $2 at VideoBusters - I'm SO there. Was it worth the $2? No, no it wasn't.
Each of the Final Destination films open with a bunch of clumsy exposition (which I love), followed by a disaster-vision, in which our hero foresees a calamity that will kim him/her and a bunch of other people. FD1 is a plane crash, FD2 is a multi-car pile-up, and FD3 is a malfunctioning roller-coaster. The roller-coaster idea has potential. Unfortunately, they fluffed it. As an audience member (or, as Micallef would say, "audient"), you KNOW a disaster is coming, so it's not a case of What If, but rather When. In FD2, the build-up to the accident goes for AGES and, when the accident occurs, it is shown clearly, extremely violently, and with much impact. This is where FD3 failed, because I couldn't tell who was dying or how. You see a guy get ripped in half, for example, but it's all so fast, you don't know who it was or how it happened. No impact, no wincing from me, just blah blah blah. And so, the tone is sadly set for the rest of this movie.
The next part of each of the Final Destination films is a series of bizarre and grizzly deaths as the people who the protaganist saved from the initial disaster are claimed by Death Its-Mother-Fuckn-Self. Once again, the death scenes in FD3 pale in comparison to those in FD2, and even FD1. Once again, it's hard to tell exactly what's happened, all the deaths are over so fast and filmed so poorly. Also - the deaths are too unimaginative. Even the apparently "original" ones - eg. the black guy who smashes his own head open with gym equipment - aren't done well. Especially when compared with the brilliance of the deaths in FD2, such as (a) the lottery winner dude with the ladder through his head, (b) the kid who has something REALLY heavy fall on him from a REALLY great height, (c) the girl who survives the car accident only to have a nasty encounter with an airbag - oooh, that's a good un. These death vignettes from FD2 are original, drawn out and suspenseful as all hell.
In closing - forget Final Destination 3 and it's craparse bonus disc of interactive bullshit. Go to Kmart and drop $8 on Final Destination 2 - it's one of the best films ever made (if one discounts characterisation and rational plot, which are for losers if you ask me).
RATING: 4 out of 10. (compared to Final Destination 2: 10 out of 10).
The Hills Have Eyes UNRATED (rated R18+)
Firstly - what the fuck? It's got UNRATED written on it in scary scary blood-writing and yet - it is rated. Though an R rating is a good place to start for a horror moofie. This one was definitely worth $2.
I gotta tell you - this movie ain't bad. Firstly, the DVD came with previews! I miss previews, so I happily watched them all, though I couldn't name one of them now. Then came the opening sequence - lots of mutated fetuses in jars. Good, good. Then we're into it. This is a remake of a Wes Craven film from the 70s. I'm a big fan of the B-Horror movie and I can tell you this for sure: Wes Craven ain't no genius. I haven't seen the original, nor do I care to. I'm someone who appreciates the recent spate of remade horror movies from the 70s (Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Amityville Horror, another one whose name escapes me - all vastly superior to the originals). And I'm sure this version shits all over the original. This one was directed by some famous foreign guy - he directed something previously - it might have been that preposterous french horror where it turns out the girl was the killer all along which makes NO sense.
ANYWAY - it's a family driving through the desert who get tricked into taking a shortcut and are then hunted and killed by a bunch of mutants. The mutants are that way coz of the nuclear testing that happened there decades previous. Its pretty violent. The patriarch gets ambushed, tied to a cross and set alight. The matriarch gets shot in the guts. Daughter #1 is shot in the head - that was pretty good. And one of their german shepherds gets ripped open and eaten. That's it as far as goodie-deaths go. The remaining family members (emasculated husband of Daughter #1, plus Daughter #2, Son #1, Grand-Daughter baby, second German Shepherd) all survive - just. The best bits are when the emasculated (you can tell he's emasculated coz he's got glasses) dude goes to the mutant's home village and wreaks havoc with a baseball bat, axe and shotgun, to rescue his infant daughter - he gets the absolute bejesus smashed out of him during this escapade and is soaked in blood for the majority of the film.
Unfortunately, it all happens a bit fast, there's something a bit askew with the pacing. The movie's biggest problem, however, is the mutants themselves. I swear to Christ, one of them is a deadset rip-off of the freak from Goonies. In general, they are way too cartoonish to be taken seriously. In terms of fucked-up hill folk, the baddies from Texas Chainsaw Massacre (remake) are much more convincing and scarier. What makes this, and TCM for that matter, stand out from other horror movies though is the lack of comic relief and cheesy one-liners. It takes itself seriously, and I like that. Plus, as I might have mentioned - it's really violent.
RATING: 7.5 out of 10.
Final Destination 3
I'll begin by stating for the court that Final Destination 2 is one of my all-time favourite moofies. Final Destination 1 is relatively forgettable, but FD2 is something else. I could go on to explain why, but...maybe another time, for this is about FD3 - a sequel I had been looking forward to for months. I knew it wouldn't be worth the $15 to see it at the cinema, but $2 at VideoBusters - I'm SO there. Was it worth the $2? No, no it wasn't.
Each of the Final Destination films open with a bunch of clumsy exposition (which I love), followed by a disaster-vision, in which our hero foresees a calamity that will kim him/her and a bunch of other people. FD1 is a plane crash, FD2 is a multi-car pile-up, and FD3 is a malfunctioning roller-coaster. The roller-coaster idea has potential. Unfortunately, they fluffed it. As an audience member (or, as Micallef would say, "audient"), you KNOW a disaster is coming, so it's not a case of What If, but rather When. In FD2, the build-up to the accident goes for AGES and, when the accident occurs, it is shown clearly, extremely violently, and with much impact. This is where FD3 failed, because I couldn't tell who was dying or how. You see a guy get ripped in half, for example, but it's all so fast, you don't know who it was or how it happened. No impact, no wincing from me, just blah blah blah. And so, the tone is sadly set for the rest of this movie.
The next part of each of the Final Destination films is a series of bizarre and grizzly deaths as the people who the protaganist saved from the initial disaster are claimed by Death Its-Mother-Fuckn-Self. Once again, the death scenes in FD3 pale in comparison to those in FD2, and even FD1. Once again, it's hard to tell exactly what's happened, all the deaths are over so fast and filmed so poorly. Also - the deaths are too unimaginative. Even the apparently "original" ones - eg. the black guy who smashes his own head open with gym equipment - aren't done well. Especially when compared with the brilliance of the deaths in FD2, such as (a) the lottery winner dude with the ladder through his head, (b) the kid who has something REALLY heavy fall on him from a REALLY great height, (c) the girl who survives the car accident only to have a nasty encounter with an airbag - oooh, that's a good un. These death vignettes from FD2 are original, drawn out and suspenseful as all hell.
In closing - forget Final Destination 3 and it's craparse bonus disc of interactive bullshit. Go to Kmart and drop $8 on Final Destination 2 - it's one of the best films ever made (if one discounts characterisation and rational plot, which are for losers if you ask me).
RATING: 4 out of 10. (compared to Final Destination 2: 10 out of 10).
The Hills Have Eyes UNRATED (rated R18+)
Firstly - what the fuck? It's got UNRATED written on it in scary scary blood-writing and yet - it is rated. Though an R rating is a good place to start for a horror moofie. This one was definitely worth $2.
I gotta tell you - this movie ain't bad. Firstly, the DVD came with previews! I miss previews, so I happily watched them all, though I couldn't name one of them now. Then came the opening sequence - lots of mutated fetuses in jars. Good, good. Then we're into it. This is a remake of a Wes Craven film from the 70s. I'm a big fan of the B-Horror movie and I can tell you this for sure: Wes Craven ain't no genius. I haven't seen the original, nor do I care to. I'm someone who appreciates the recent spate of remade horror movies from the 70s (Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Amityville Horror, another one whose name escapes me - all vastly superior to the originals). And I'm sure this version shits all over the original. This one was directed by some famous foreign guy - he directed something previously - it might have been that preposterous french horror where it turns out the girl was the killer all along which makes NO sense.
ANYWAY - it's a family driving through the desert who get tricked into taking a shortcut and are then hunted and killed by a bunch of mutants. The mutants are that way coz of the nuclear testing that happened there decades previous. Its pretty violent. The patriarch gets ambushed, tied to a cross and set alight. The matriarch gets shot in the guts. Daughter #1 is shot in the head - that was pretty good. And one of their german shepherds gets ripped open and eaten. That's it as far as goodie-deaths go. The remaining family members (emasculated husband of Daughter #1, plus Daughter #2, Son #1, Grand-Daughter baby, second German Shepherd) all survive - just. The best bits are when the emasculated (you can tell he's emasculated coz he's got glasses) dude goes to the mutant's home village and wreaks havoc with a baseball bat, axe and shotgun, to rescue his infant daughter - he gets the absolute bejesus smashed out of him during this escapade and is soaked in blood for the majority of the film.
Unfortunately, it all happens a bit fast, there's something a bit askew with the pacing. The movie's biggest problem, however, is the mutants themselves. I swear to Christ, one of them is a deadset rip-off of the freak from Goonies. In general, they are way too cartoonish to be taken seriously. In terms of fucked-up hill folk, the baddies from Texas Chainsaw Massacre (remake) are much more convincing and scarier. What makes this, and TCM for that matter, stand out from other horror movies though is the lack of comic relief and cheesy one-liners. It takes itself seriously, and I like that. Plus, as I might have mentioned - it's really violent.
RATING: 7.5 out of 10.
27.9.06
an invitation
so, no comics have been posted here for a while. here are The Reasons Why:
Reason #1. My inspiration has moved into other areas - ie. a graphic novel of sorts.
Reason #2. There's a lump the size of an inflatable pony on my jaw - doc says its a cyst. it gets bigger daily. soon it will burst open and millions of baby spiders will swarm out and seize control of the planet. note to self: buy mortein.
Reason #3. As Mutto would say, "the reason is yoooouuuuu". Fuck Mutto. Kill Mutto. Mutto must be destroyed. Bitch should be hurled at an alarmingly large speed into Bobby Flynn and Dean Geyer. The three would then merge into one creature so breath-takingly offensive that the world's governments would have no choice but to send Bruce Willis in to destroy it. He would sacrifice his own life to save Liv Tyler's. Then he would appear as a ghost to Haley Joel Osment. Brad Pitt would then ask Morgan Freeman if he had ever seen anything like this. Man I hate Mutto.
Reason #4. As has been made apparent by Reason #3, I'm struggling for ideas, and figure - "fuck it, I'm not here to TRY."
Therefore I'm extending an invitation...
YOU think of a comic for me to draw, and I'll draw it. Drawing stuff is so much easier when you get told what to do, rather than trying to pull something out of the infinite universe of possibilities.
Then YOU'LL get the writing credit and YOU can post the comic on YOUR blog too. We'll split the profits 50-50, enjoy unheard-of success, then you'll marry a talentless, screaming, japanese artist and the whole thing will go to shit.
Reason #1. My inspiration has moved into other areas - ie. a graphic novel of sorts.
Reason #2. There's a lump the size of an inflatable pony on my jaw - doc says its a cyst. it gets bigger daily. soon it will burst open and millions of baby spiders will swarm out and seize control of the planet. note to self: buy mortein.
Reason #3. As Mutto would say, "the reason is yoooouuuuu". Fuck Mutto. Kill Mutto. Mutto must be destroyed. Bitch should be hurled at an alarmingly large speed into Bobby Flynn and Dean Geyer. The three would then merge into one creature so breath-takingly offensive that the world's governments would have no choice but to send Bruce Willis in to destroy it. He would sacrifice his own life to save Liv Tyler's. Then he would appear as a ghost to Haley Joel Osment. Brad Pitt would then ask Morgan Freeman if he had ever seen anything like this. Man I hate Mutto.
Reason #4. As has been made apparent by Reason #3, I'm struggling for ideas, and figure - "fuck it, I'm not here to TRY."
Therefore I'm extending an invitation...
YOU think of a comic for me to draw, and I'll draw it. Drawing stuff is so much easier when you get told what to do, rather than trying to pull something out of the infinite universe of possibilities.
Then YOU'LL get the writing credit and YOU can post the comic on YOUR blog too. We'll split the profits 50-50, enjoy unheard-of success, then you'll marry a talentless, screaming, japanese artist and the whole thing will go to shit.
14.9.06
13.9.06
11.9.06
8.9.06
who's the demon boss?
TONY: Tony Danza - - DEMONLORD ANGELA: Judith Light
MONA: Katherine Helmond
Mona Character Design: HP Lovecraft
7.9.06
6.9.06
4.9.06
brief update
1. exhibition is finished - sold 9 pieces. have 20 more sitting at home.
2. have started a new novel - 5500 words so far, which includes deaths, beatings, orphanages, soft toys and a rollercoaster. and that's only chapter 2.
3. terminator 3 su-u-ucks.
4. got my artwork on the cover of this year's Verandah (literary journal).
as you were.
2. have started a new novel - 5500 words so far, which includes deaths, beatings, orphanages, soft toys and a rollercoaster. and that's only chapter 2.
3. terminator 3 su-u-ucks.
4. got my artwork on the cover of this year's Verandah (literary journal).
as you were.
30.8.06
official ranking
(based on a true story - see the button in the sidebar)
(except instead of hanging myself, I went and did the crossword)
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